With every high comes a low

     Surprise surprise, Hansel and Gretel sucked. There were some decent moments, for example the first scene I thought Chloe and Valery (who definitely doesn't know I know who she is) did a really good job (this is UBC opera ensemble I'm talking about btw). But oh my god there was one lady (who's name I shall not mention) who's voice cracked during one of her scenes. And she's working on her doctors degree.

     So all in all, it was interesting.

A Very Naked Christmas Carol

... apparently that's how I like it these days.

     So the second show went really well. Practically no line mess ups and the blocking for the dinner scene FINALLY worked itself out... there was only oneeee mishap. Alright make that two mishaps- the two scenes where I proceeded to flash the audience. Joy to the world, my boobs have come. Oh, memories...

     Today was a good Quando day. The past week for some reason my high B's have really been getting on my nerves; I guess I just felt that my soft palette wasn't high enough or something. But today it was... I guess something clicked into place somehow. However it happened I hope it happens again. I can vividly remember the feeling so that's a good thing. Ah, the technicalities of technique. I wish I was Anna Netrebko, she's got it all figured out. For Christmas I asked for her in Manon, Traviata, and Figaro on DVD (Although I have to say, Traviata is my favorite).

The Cat's Pajamas

     Yes, the title of this post is called the Cat's Pajamas. Why, you might ask? Because Cat Stevens IS the Cat's Pajamas. And I've always wanted to make that the title of something (shhhh). To honor his awesomeness, I quoted him in my grad write-up. I felt that it suited it; so here goes....

["I listen to my words, but they fall far below

I let my music take me where my heart wants to go"

-Cat Stevens

In the past five years, the most important things I learnt I learned from the music and myself. Lots 'o love to my Mom, Dad, and friends.]

     On another note, the first showing(s) of the play went well today. I realized how boring my bio was in the program, but whatever. There were some mishaps, but they were just hilarious. Everyone in the audience apparently liked it, so that was good.

     

 

Ps- Why is it that we always realize years later how much we love someone? Random, I know; but I just had to get that out.

It's the most wonderful time of the year

     Can I just say how frustrating situations are when you know something is cast incorrectly? 'Cause seriously, our current play at school is a bit ridiculous. In one of the lead roles, we have....george. George is your typical, blonde, hot heart throb; who, ya, can once and awhile tap into his emotions. In this play he plays multiple roles, in which one would expect there to be a clear definition between them. But no, every character George interprets the same way, plain and so similar to George's self. It may sound harsh, but in all honesty you may not know that he played different characters if he was wearing the same costume. 

     On the other hand you have a girl, we'll call her jamie, who would dedicate her entire self to the role. She had already thought of all the different ways she could play each character; the way they would walk, talk, the habits they would have, why they would have them, ect. Their whole background story. But of course, she is cast as the main caroler because she can sing. At first jamie was told she would have many solos and be able to teach the rest of the kidies how to sing. Sounds promising, does it not? Turns out she gets one line of one song because thats just how the play works out. Oh and might I mention, it's her final year and a grade 10 girl has a bigger role than she does.

     So your probably thinking, well obviously she's not as good as actress. But you know, I can't help but think why Jamie's teacher would lie to her after watching her final monologue at the end of last year and say, "Wow, after a while of not seeing someone preform you forget how talented they are. I can't wait to see what you do next year." I'm sorry if this sounds cocky on Jamie's behalf, but I think she deserved a role; anything bigger than what she has got. Everyone's been told to appreciate what they have, but sometimes.... when you have worked your ass off for something, you just want the chance you achieve and even greater opportunity. 

That may as well be the cockiest/bitchiest thing I've ever written. And I'm sorry, but I just needed to get that out.

ps- I WANT TO GO TO OPERA VIVA SO BAD.

I KNOW, RIGHT?!

I PASSED!!!!

That's my daughter in the water, everything she learnt I taught her

I want to grow up....sooo badly....

I want my own place where I can lounge on my couch and watch old sex and the city re-runs,

where I can lie in my own big bed with no annoying vacuums going off at 8 in the morning,

where whilst lounging on my couch watching sex and the city re-runs I can eat all the cheese I want,

where I can get up in the morning and wear my wooly socks and big t-shirt and not have to worry about judgement from anyone other than my cat/dog,

where I can walk downstairs to my car, drive off to school and sing my butt off all day,

where I have my currently non-existant boyfriend over and spoon all day (because evidently spooning is the best thing ever),

where I can be so stressed about everything, but somehow feel relieved when I come home and know everything will settle down,

and know that I'm somewhat sane.

I hope tomorrow goes well so I can be closer to that cheesy, wonderful dream.

To over-think or to not over-think, that is the question

     Tonight I had a discussion with my friend about a situation I was previously faced with and how I dealt with it. Before things really got heated, my other friend quickly commented on how many times she had heard me rant about the same topic, and how she would really prefer not to hear it again. She thought I was just trying to sound intelligent, or something along those lines.

     Now with this particular topic, I can assure you I am not just trying to sound intelligent. My views on it come from my gut; I wouldn't feel so strongly about them if they didn't. I always trust my gut. So now I'm trying to sort out the underlying reasoning behind why she said this, because I simply cannot come up with a straight answer.

     The first one to come to mind would be how in English, she is the girl with the argument. She loves to debate, and it is justified by how good she is at it. Now in this situation, I'm the one with the legitimate argument; which may have intimidated her in some way causing her to not take part in the conversation (she normally would have). In some weird way, she's obviously pissed off by the fact that I'm not stupid.

     This is similar reasoning to how she may have just been jealous. She tends to comment on how my comments during class are not thought out and unjustified; therefore when I have some kind of, "intelligent insight" she does not understand why she did not have it first. 

     Thirdly, she may just simply think my views are not all that intelligent. Although in this particular case, I did not go into all the detail I could have. I failed to mention how my actions affected the other persons emotions, so I guess I didn't go into too much detail. But really, who cares. It shouldn't matter when you're just having a conversation amongst your friends.

     The funny thing is, all the thoughts that are being consumed by my mind currently do not revolve around the topic itself; they are all questioning why my friend said she did not want to hear my rant. Like I said in a recent blog, whether or not I'm over-thinking this does not matter; I like to form an opinion. I would rather have a thought-provoking conversation that gets my brain working than sit and by completely numbed to everything going on around me. 

     Although in the end, she may have just been tired.

"How does it feel for your Dad to love someone else more than you?"

     Sometimes, I want to keep my mouth shut for the rest of my life. It's not because I've said something to offend someone or anything like that, it's because I feel that what I say is of no importance to anyone. I feel so miniscule and worthless. I have friends, but I don't know what they really think of me. I don't know what to say to them sometimes. I don't know if any of them will stick around, in even a year. 

     I notice a common habit with nearly all my guy friends: they never really hug me. Sounds stupid enough, I know. But it's not as simple as that. Other girls, they go up and hug all the time as a casual, perhaps underlying flirtatious gesture. But me? Nada. It's not like I have romantic feelings for them or anything. It's just that if they do that with everyone, why not me? It may sound to you, whoever you are, like I am just reading too much into this; but so what if I am? I would rather over think these things that be a mindless piece of waste. 

      Events like that make me firmly believe that all the things I ridicule myself over are true. God fucking damn. My whole life I have been told to forget about what people think of me, because all that matters is what you think of yourself. As long as you have self-confidence, your set for life. Well, unfortunately I don't. Does that mean I've completely fucked myself over? 

     I feel so alone.

Vignettes

I wonder if anyone will read this.

     In a way, I want people to; although at the same time, I don't. I mean of course I started this blog for a reason. Obviously by posting my thoughts online I'm fully exposing myself, and when I signed up for this I knew that. But seeing as my, "hits" are at a very low number, I wonder if I could tell my secrets on here. I mean for one, it's doubtful anyone is actually religiously reading this, and I don't know who they are anyway. 

     Right now I'm wondering if the past is repeating itself. Although typically when that happens, they are repeats of events that happened decades earlier; where as in this situation, the past being repeated is actually happened quite close to the present. 

     It was the same look you gave me two years ago- that night when we lay on the IKEA carpet in my bedroom as the rain tapped on my roof outside. You had holes in the sleeve of your sweater where your thumbs were, they poked out sometimes. Your hair was long and shabby; you hadn't cut it in about a year. Literally. We spoke lightly for awhile because an intense conversation was too much for us at that point. We were so nervous. 

     I remember the day you opened up. We were dancing in my kitchen to Uptown Girl, which we(you secretly, of course) both loved. I don't know whether you really loved it or if it was just because it made me so happy, but it didn't matter at that point. Despite how anyone could have walked in during those moments, we danced. We laughed and laughed and laughed, and every single one of them came from our gut. I don't know how it started, but I think that's when we truly fell in love.

     But of course, nothing gold can stay. I remember lying on the couch together in what felt like a unrequited cuddle. The pit of my stomach told me something was wrong. I always trust my gut. And of course, it was right.

     So is it true, here we are again? I have no oppositions.

Novemeber Fourth, 2008

As I sit here eating an apple in my kitchen at 12 am, the earth is shaking around me.

     There are few times in a lifetime one gets to experience something truly life changing. Something or someone that not only effects the things they do everyday, but the way they do them and why. Tonight that someone was a man; a man who I honestly believe will change the world. 

     

Change

One.

More.

Day.

Who is that girl I see, staring straight back at me

     I just want to sing. After a long day of frustrating events proceeding to stress me out, it's the only thing I've got. It's funny though, because it all depends on the kind of stress I'm feeling. If I'm annoyed with my physical appearance, I don't like to sing because no matter what I think I sound like shit, and it throws my technique way off. Although if I'm stressed about school, friends, or family for some reason it helps to relieve it. It makes it difficult because most of the time it's over my face and body.

     I'm very easily broken. My confidence is seriously as thin as ice; it melts with little pressure. When I look in the mirror the first thing I see is my nose. I'm a very obvious combination of my parents, but unfortunately I got the worst of the worst(not to say that my parents are bad looking). My nose has a bump, and a bubble. It's great. It doesn't make me want to gag or anything. As you move down, you will see that my lips look inflated. Although don't forget my eyes: the bulging tennis balls inserted into my face. Lovely. And to top it all off, my chin. I have two of them. 

     I wont even get started on my body.

     Now you know the reason why one of the things on my list is, "stop caring so much about my appearance." There are days when I wake up and don't feel like shit about myself, they happen once or twice every two weeks. I don't know how to make them reoccur more often. Anyone have an idea?  

P.S- Mulan is a GREAT movie.

Enough said.

C'est la vie

My, "Before I Die" list.

1. Sing for thousands of people (At the Metropolitan Opera, preferably) 

2. Play the roles of Violetta, Despina, Pamina, Musetta and Mimi, Margurite

3. Train myself to be ambidextrous

4. Be in Curtains on Broadway

5. Write something brilliant (Essay, story, short paragraph, play, song, anything)

6. Stop caring so much about my appearance

7. Live in New York

8. Live in New York and not become bitter

9. Live without a phone for a week

10. Learn to be independent

11. Paint something put-up-on-the-wall worthy

12. Get my Masters in Opera

13. Become unbranded

14. Learn to cook/bake without poisoning people

15. Learn to play piano (well)

Will add to it in time.....

What makes the world go 'round

My life currently feels light. Everything involved in it is very easy to deal with, nothing is really overwhelming me at the moment; like I said, light. I don't like searching for drama, I used to do that(and learned quite a bit from it). What teenage girl hasn't gone through that stage?

I'm listening to the scratchy, seductive vocals of Al Green. He makes me feel at ease, like I'm in a constant sway. I want to feel like this all the time... unfortunately I don't. I easily get caught up with the accumulated stress fogging my surroundings, whether I'm at school or home(the two most common places you'll find me). The only place my tension is released is in the shower, whilst I sing. I love singing; it's the only thing that has been there steadily throughout my entire life. 

Auld Lang Syne, Time Goes By.

     There are some moments in life when chaos and creation are two of the same thing. The chaos, caused by whatever, creates something; whether it be a new door to open or an old door to close, it's all in order of trying new things.  

     Often we're afraid. In fact, I'm practically always afraid. The hardest part is closing doors, isn't it? You're afraid to take the risk and terrified of being alone. In some cases you have never really been alone before, so you keep yourself surrounded to feel safe. When your company is gone, what do you have left? All you have is yourself.

"Should auld acquaintance be forgot,

And never brought to mind?

Should auld acquaintance be forgot

and auld lang syne?"

Cave Men: The New Sex Symbol

     Sitting in front of a mirror for 25 minutes: you would expect it to be a simple challenge, wouldn't you? For our Drama homework, we had to do some serious self-reflection. In order to do this, we had to sit in a dark room for 35 minutes then directly after look at ourselves in the mirror for 25 minutes. This process was a step in knowing ourselves; because without knowing who our personal characters are, we could not play a different one. 

     Sitting alone in the dark for 35 minutes seemed difficult at the time. The absolute silence  made me very aware of every buzz around me, or maybe I just started to hear things. Although we were given no instruction on what to think about, I was trying to keep my head clear. This was partly due to me knowing that if I was to let my thoughts completely get to me, I would probably have an anxiety attack. Because my head is completely filled with the things necessary for me to get into university, I've been rather stressed lately. Even my Drama teacher Ms. M came up to me and asked if something was wrong today; I guess I'm not too stealth about it.

     The second part, the mirror gazing, was by far the most difficult. I'm extremely critical on myself, therefore it was not easy to look in a mirror for 25 minutes. At first I just wanted to pick my face apart. But once I got past the first ten minutes, I had a minor epiphany. I would call it minor because I've had it before, although this time it made a mark on my mind and stuck with me. I realized that this is what I look like, I can't change it.  Mind-blowing, I know. But hey, for a 17 year old girl to come to that realization, I think that's pretty huge.

     That's when I started to think about what the definition of beauty is. I wondered why some people think some people are beautiful and some not, and if for thinking some are not they would be considered cruel. I questioned how the image of skinny and blonde, muscular and buff became the image of beauty. Maybe it was developed through evolution, when men that could provide for a family by collecting wood and such were fought after. Thus, making it instinctive. And of course, the media plays a large role in it. Although after so many years have passed I cant help but think, isn't it about time we re-define our idea of beauty?

Viva Despina Che Sa Servir

     Music is the only universal thing in the human existence that holds so much power. I know of nothing else that can bring as many people together over crisis' words cannot fix; it is profound in itself. Currently I have, "In uomini, in soldati" from Cosi fan tutte playing on repeat in my head. Although I know what is happening in the aria, sometimes I like to pretend I don't. That way, I can have my own perspective on what could be happening. I like to let the music just let my head go, because over a day so much accumulates up there, and by the end of the day its time to filter some of it out. 

     What could have possibly happened today that's making my head spin? Applying to Universities, thats what. Exhausting.

Chemical Breeze

     I'm a visual learner, always have been. So today as I watched my grade eight drama class do character work, I realized how easy life was then. I'm graduating this year- how in the world did that happen? Although I do have things pretty well figured out for myself. I mean I'm really in the perfect situation, I know exactly what I want to do and I have the full support of my parents to back me up. I just don't want things to change, that's what I'm so afraid of. I'm worried that I'm too passionate about singing, and that I could lose track of that passion, if that makes sense. I just don't want to become too competitive and then be let down whenever things don't go as planned. That's what has made the music scene so fabricated; talented people losing track of their passion and turning into antagonistic, competitive freaks. I don't want to become one of those.

Alright, time to study for French so I can actually have the GPA required for UBC....ughh, stress.