August 1st

I can't wait for my new life to start.

Busted.

Dear Busters Towing,

I hate you.

Sincerely,

Mikayla

Seriously? Third time? Thanks assholes. You take my money and my car, want my unborn child too?

There's a lot of waaaay more substantial things I could be writing about, especially as I had quite the eventful day, but now I'm just too bitter and tired. Well hey, at least my ode to Busters towing is something.

The big apple

Wow. I'm moving to New York city.

In a small way it just hit me that I will actually be living in the most amazing, difficult, frustrating and quirky city in the world. The one place I've always wanted to live.

I'm starting to understand what people say when they say "you've got what it takes." People have been saying that a lot to me recently. At first it confused me; I didn't know if I fully understood or agreed with the full capacity of which they were saying. Now I do. I've got the drive, because it's the only thing that never bores me. Neat.

Sleep tight

There's so much I want to write here but I'm having serious difficulty forming sentences. Okay, instead I'm going to try and filter through my head in point form (always works)...

-What the hell, could I feel more emotions in one week?

- I'm excited to get out of here and start a new life.

- Also excited to meet knew people, start an extended not-actually-blood-related family that hopefully functions a hell of a lot better than mine does.

- I'm sad.

- I can be really dumb sometimes

- There was something really funny I wanted to text Fran but I can't remember now and it's driving me insane

- Angela Gheorghiu was not as good as I was hoping for. Bummer. She pretty much wanted to conduct it all herself

- I have the overture of Orfeo ed Euridice stuck in my head

- AH I JUST REMEMBERED WHAT I HAVE TO TELL FRAN! still just as funny

- I've gotta sleep now, oh god and memorize my lines like mad tomorrow! shit.

- I love Adina, perfect role for me to work on right now.

Aaaaaand g'night!

Life changing, literally.

Today's been quite the day.

I got into Manhattan School of Music.

I'm moving to New York, and will be graduating with only 11 other people.

Wow.

Saturday couldn't come soon enough

Theory homework at 11:20 in the evening. How typical.

Breathe in breathe out. All is good. No need to freak out Mikayla.

See, chaos in my brain. Time for sleep.

I'll let you know once I figure it all out.

Just because I haven't been blogging doesn't mean I'm not sticking to my resolution. I've been journaling, so ha! Counts for something. I'm sticking to my resolution, I swear. I've been in three countries auditioning for schools, so I think that's also a legitimate excuse to pause the blogging as well (one left on Saturday and then I'm DONE!)

Why do I feel guilty about this? So strange, so strange.

Although I may find myself feeling oddly guilty towards a computer, I've been pretty impressed with their power recently. Anne Curry enabled Doctors without borders to land in Haiti when no one else could, she also found an American family's daughter in Japan by receiving a photo through twitter, everything in Libya that started on facebook, etc. Everything revolves around these wonderful beats now.

What I find funny about all of these social networking sites is how similar they are to theatre. We go to the theatre to see a reveal into someone's private life, so similar to what we are desperate to see on facebook, twitter, blogspot, all of those guys. We're never satisfied until we find something really good, then we cool it for a bit, then we're right back at it. I remember a brief time in high school when I deleted my facebook, and I truly do not remember anything more freeing, yet stress inducing at the same time. It's become so addictive that even when what you would think would be so liberating as to delete it, you can't go a day without sneaking a peak on someone else's page. So to replace it, I started this blog about three years ago. Now what I find really interesting is the fact that this is where my real reveal is; this is where you can virtually see all the chaos going on in my head. Here, I only have three "followers," where as on facebook I have 818 "friends." Now even my boyfriend "follows" me on here. So call me Carrie Bradshaw, but my question is if people want to see the real thing, why do they shy away when the opportunity arises? Does it scare people when they know it's real?

In my acting class we are constantly exploring our real instincts and why we try to hide away from them on stage, as there is really no such thing as "acting." There is a process, sure, but it's only to get past all the crap and expose yourself. Last week my teacher had me put my hair back in a ponytail on stage. I didn't have to even say anything in order to create an uncomfortable air in the room. Everyone in there knew how uncomfortable it made me actually feel, and they were engaged in the scene the whole time, but not because it was a scene, because it was reality. I was myself, playing the piano, having to tell a friend that I didn't love him when I really did. Even though that wasn't really happening, it was. That was our reality for a while. Scary stuff.

Singing is the still the most revealing thing with me though, but most people sometimes miss it because I'm speaking another language. They don't realize that the act in itself is the most revealing part.

Hopefully this is actually semi-cohesive. Ah well, it's all a gong show that's all you need to know.

There's no shortcut to a dream, it's all blood and sweat and life is what you manage in between

I'm good. Things are good. Life is good. I think I've written to many negative blogs. I'm good, and that's all. Monday will be great, and so will the 27th. I'm painfully ready for them.

This time, next month, I'll be done all my auditions! And THAT is all.

.....aka, this time next month I plan on being on a beach somewhere tropical.

Triple gah.

I feel weird because I have lots to say but no idea how to write them down. I need to make a list to clear things up.

1. Why the #$%* does "Sleep Now" by Barber have to drive me so crazy? I know it like the back of my hand, and all I want is for it to be perfect. It's such a tough piece.

2. I need to do something about my confidence. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad. I know I'm singing well, I know that boy loves me more than he ever has, I know that working out is paying off, slowly but surely, and I know my theory skills are improving. Why am I still depressed?

3. I am frustrated whenever I see shows at UBC because I know everyone but not everyone knows me. Plus, I know I could sing so many of those roles up on stage. Gah.

4. Audition stress. So far it's been manageable, but still, I think it's manifesting in everything I do. Gah.

5. I'm scared to let that boy in completely because I'm scared of giving him that power.

6. I hate Monday morning shifts.

7. I need to find a flight from JFK to Montreal and back the next night that actually works out timing wise. Double gah.

8. I need to open up more in general, acting wise. Scary.

9. I need to stop obsessing over what I eat.

10. I need to trust people, especially myself, more.

oh ya...

and 11. I need to get the run from the C to the F in Quel Guardo correct everytime. Why do i have such a mental block about it?

Help?

Procrastination: to put off till another day or time; defer; delay.

AH. Mcgill is WAY too casual about auditions. Cool, thanks for wanting to hear me, but seriously, less than a month's notice? Second rounds are fun and all, but not when you're supposed to be on a plane the day OF them. GREAT. I don't want to deal with this right now, not now, too tired. I have to practice. Get out of bed Mikayla, you can do it. Wouldn't it be nice if we could have everything we want and didn't have to work/prep for it?

Quel guardo il cavaliere...in mezzo al cor trafisse, piego il ginocchio e dise... son vostro cavaliere...

running over and over and over again through my head....... Strauss wouldn't be pleased to know he's not coming ahead of Donizetti. (this is an insiders look at my brain, which is not functioning at a fast pace right now. I'm blaming it on the sun, it makes me tired)

ok I've got it. 20 minute nap (may turn into 30), then practice, then deal with McGill. And UBC. Gaaaahhhhhhh

Oh ya, and I'm seeing Natalie dessay in Lucia at the Met on the 24th. Yes.

There's a light at the end of the tunnel....right?

I never know when to think and pray for something to happen, when to stop thinking about it, when to keep my mouth shut from talking about it, when to pat myself on the back, when to let others pat me on the back, when to sit with my emotions, whether they're good or bad, when to push things out of my head, or when to have hope that something will happen. I'm scared, but I don't want to talk about it. I'm also hopeful but trying to be neutral. I want to know when the worrying will stop.

Time to (continue) working my butt off.

Darn method acting

My acting teacher told me last night to write about everything I don't want to even think about to help me get more into character (PS, doing this for Norina from Don Pasquale.)

But first, ah, I just found out I'm one of 12 on the waitlist for Guildhall. Ah. Crazy. I don't even know what to think, maybe I'll just leave it.

She told me to think about how devastated I would be if I didn't get into any schools. It may sound ridiculous to some, but I know I would feel like an absolute no body. All the hard work I've put in would be for nothing, at least this year. I don't want to go to that place this early in the morning. Ugh, I don't want to go to that place ever. It sucks how much artists have to feel like crap in order to be good at what we do.

I can't write right now, all I can think about is oatmeal.

Brahm's "lullaby" would be perfect right about now

I'm so physically and mentally pooped. I have so much going on in my head I feel like I can't even organize it enough in order to write a proper blog. Although what really is a proper blog, anyway? Clearly that's going to be the next philosophical question of the century, I'll be the next plato.

All I know is.... 1. I have to get my new rep memorized.

2. I think I'm going to do the classical singer competition for scholarships.

3. I love blogs because they are sooo wonderfully selfish

4. I must sleep. G'night.

Ugh.

It sucks when you know you have stuff to work out, you know what you have to do to work it out, but you're too scared to do it. Help?

Knock on wood

I really need to learn how to sleep again. I can't stop thinking about Guildhall. I honestly want nothing else than to get in. Cross all limbs.

Babble babble babble

I worry that I get too much satisfaction out of checking things off lists sometimes. I know that sounds ridiculous, but really, I do something good and I think, "Okay great, now I can lie in bed and read, the only thing else I have to do is practice singing and I'm done for the day." But that just isn't how the world works, now is it? I'm not lazy or anything, I just put too much bearing on the little things, like applying for these acting classes I want to take in a few weeks. I mean all I did was touch up my resume, write a letter of intent and submit my headshot, did that really take all that much effort? No. So why does it feel like it did? Silly Mikayla, sending an emailing isn't exactly like saving the world.

Funny, as I just wrote that as I'm lying here in bed thinking about the book I'm reading. With my heating pad on...... drinking tea....

I'm reading Moni Yakim's "Creating a Character" which is all about his acting technique. It's interesting because he goes about it with the physical approach first, which is meant to bring on the emotional aspects naturally through the character's movement. I've been trained the exact opposite way, consistently trying to tap into someone else's emotions by relating them to a situation in my life, which I think is actually in some ways more difficult. A coach I work with in New York sometimes (who has absolutely changed my life) goes about deciphering the real hard working artists and the lazy ones by shaking them to their core, flipping them upside down, letting everything come out and then re-building them. I've gone through this process with him a million times. His theory is totally correct in my opinion- if you can't make it through your own threshold, how in the world are you ever going to let anyone else in, or maybe say over 1,000 people? So this Moni Yakim fellow's technique is really confusing for me, as you may have been able to tell. But hey, why not try it. I'll probably get frustrated, not getting it at first, but I guess that's all part of the process. Now THAT is actually hard work. It's more than worth it though.

Enough babble, time to read.

I love you, Frank O'Hara

Beautiful poem.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YDLwivcpFe8

Also wonderful,

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4oAB83Z1ydE

Someday

Tomorrow I go back to regular schedule. Singing three times a week, theory/sight singing/piano twice a week, German once a week, work four times a week, one private acting class a week plus two group classes a week come mid January. Bank account? Empty. Social life? Ha, ya okay Mikayla.

I've been getting more and more frustrated lately with my social life. Because I'm not in school, therefore not consistently surrounded by people I have a lot in common with, I find it difficult relating to people as easily as I used to. My tastes and knowledge on certain things has become so refined that I can no longer stay intrigued when talking about what happened at Jorge's party the other night; I just don't care. I also have noticed that people find it hard to listen to what I have to say sometimes because I talk about what I like to talk about, music. I mean of course I like to talk about other things as well, that sounds very closed-minded, but I get the most out of talking about music and the interactions between people that it creates. I really wish I had more people that actually wanted to talk about that and people that I could learn from as well, but I guess that's asking too much(?) Ah well, some day soon it'll happen.

Off to dinner now, Greyston (my pretty-much-brother) has made another fantabulous meal I'm sure.

Resolution #9; Write more.

Surprise surprise, one of my (many) 2011 resolutions was to start writing again. Typical? Ah well, here's hoping. After finishing my essays for Juilliard and Manhattan School of Music a few months back, I remembered just how much I love doing this; even when it's just mindless babble, I still see it as a form of progression. Sometimes I find it a lot easier to write out my thoughts, it keeps my brain organized. In fact I'm surprised I have maintained the level of organization I had within the last year, having written so little.

See what I mean, mindless babble. And here comes more...

Here are my resolutions for 2011. Maybe by posting them for all to see I'll feel more embarrassed if I don't complete them, so keep pestering me "followers"

New Years Resolutions for 2011:

1. Keep practicing singing everyday

2. Do the 3 month Acting course with Lyric studios

3. Go to a good music school (preferably in NYC or London)

4. Practice piano, sight singing, ear training and theory AT LEAST 4 times a week (the theory may kill me)

5. Do Manhattan school of Music's summer program

6. Finish the books I start

7. Take ballroom dancing classes

8. Learn more about the impressionists and modern art

9. Write more (blog, journal, essays)

10. Put on a concert

11. Take cooking classes (and actually learn how to cook.)

12. Stop being so bloody critical of myself

13. Hit people less (not in a violent way, I swear)

14. Run more! And maybe actually start practicing yoga at the studio I work at again. Too bad working there completely turned me off of it (yippee yogi corporations= baaaaad.)

I took Don Greene's questionnaire on performance/audition anxiety last night as I'm reading his book on audition success. The last few auditions I had went pretty well, so I want to figure out why they did and keep on that track. I feel like I've been such a sloth since getting home from London, I started practicing again two weeks later. Two weeks! Actually, I think it was even longer than that, maybe even 20 days. After practicing everyday from July to December 2nd, I was less than pleased with myself. Today I sang through some Musetta which went pretty well, but I still don't feel I'm where I'm at before I left. Ugh, oh well, Heather (my teacher) is back in town Tuesday, so back at the 3 singing lessons a week we go. I feel really bad for my bank account. Especially with these acting classes I'm doing three times a week for the next three months.... it hurts to think about it.

Anyways, I should probably get to sleep. I was going to read some of The Walrus (magazine) that a very sweet boy got me a subscription to for Christmas, but seeing as I've got to get up in 5.5 hours, that may not be the best idea. Night night internet world.