I KNOW, RIGHT?!

I PASSED!!!!

That's my daughter in the water, everything she learnt I taught her

I want to grow up....sooo badly....

I want my own place where I can lounge on my couch and watch old sex and the city re-runs,

where I can lie in my own big bed with no annoying vacuums going off at 8 in the morning,

where whilst lounging on my couch watching sex and the city re-runs I can eat all the cheese I want,

where I can get up in the morning and wear my wooly socks and big t-shirt and not have to worry about judgement from anyone other than my cat/dog,

where I can walk downstairs to my car, drive off to school and sing my butt off all day,

where I have my currently non-existant boyfriend over and spoon all day (because evidently spooning is the best thing ever),

where I can be so stressed about everything, but somehow feel relieved when I come home and know everything will settle down,

and know that I'm somewhat sane.

I hope tomorrow goes well so I can be closer to that cheesy, wonderful dream.

To over-think or to not over-think, that is the question

     Tonight I had a discussion with my friend about a situation I was previously faced with and how I dealt with it. Before things really got heated, my other friend quickly commented on how many times she had heard me rant about the same topic, and how she would really prefer not to hear it again. She thought I was just trying to sound intelligent, or something along those lines.

     Now with this particular topic, I can assure you I am not just trying to sound intelligent. My views on it come from my gut; I wouldn't feel so strongly about them if they didn't. I always trust my gut. So now I'm trying to sort out the underlying reasoning behind why she said this, because I simply cannot come up with a straight answer.

     The first one to come to mind would be how in English, she is the girl with the argument. She loves to debate, and it is justified by how good she is at it. Now in this situation, I'm the one with the legitimate argument; which may have intimidated her in some way causing her to not take part in the conversation (she normally would have). In some weird way, she's obviously pissed off by the fact that I'm not stupid.

     This is similar reasoning to how she may have just been jealous. She tends to comment on how my comments during class are not thought out and unjustified; therefore when I have some kind of, "intelligent insight" she does not understand why she did not have it first. 

     Thirdly, she may just simply think my views are not all that intelligent. Although in this particular case, I did not go into all the detail I could have. I failed to mention how my actions affected the other persons emotions, so I guess I didn't go into too much detail. But really, who cares. It shouldn't matter when you're just having a conversation amongst your friends.

     The funny thing is, all the thoughts that are being consumed by my mind currently do not revolve around the topic itself; they are all questioning why my friend said she did not want to hear my rant. Like I said in a recent blog, whether or not I'm over-thinking this does not matter; I like to form an opinion. I would rather have a thought-provoking conversation that gets my brain working than sit and by completely numbed to everything going on around me. 

     Although in the end, she may have just been tired.

"How does it feel for your Dad to love someone else more than you?"

     Sometimes, I want to keep my mouth shut for the rest of my life. It's not because I've said something to offend someone or anything like that, it's because I feel that what I say is of no importance to anyone. I feel so miniscule and worthless. I have friends, but I don't know what they really think of me. I don't know what to say to them sometimes. I don't know if any of them will stick around, in even a year. 

     I notice a common habit with nearly all my guy friends: they never really hug me. Sounds stupid enough, I know. But it's not as simple as that. Other girls, they go up and hug all the time as a casual, perhaps underlying flirtatious gesture. But me? Nada. It's not like I have romantic feelings for them or anything. It's just that if they do that with everyone, why not me? It may sound to you, whoever you are, like I am just reading too much into this; but so what if I am? I would rather over think these things that be a mindless piece of waste. 

      Events like that make me firmly believe that all the things I ridicule myself over are true. God fucking damn. My whole life I have been told to forget about what people think of me, because all that matters is what you think of yourself. As long as you have self-confidence, your set for life. Well, unfortunately I don't. Does that mean I've completely fucked myself over? 

     I feel so alone.

Vignettes

I wonder if anyone will read this.

     In a way, I want people to; although at the same time, I don't. I mean of course I started this blog for a reason. Obviously by posting my thoughts online I'm fully exposing myself, and when I signed up for this I knew that. But seeing as my, "hits" are at a very low number, I wonder if I could tell my secrets on here. I mean for one, it's doubtful anyone is actually religiously reading this, and I don't know who they are anyway. 

     Right now I'm wondering if the past is repeating itself. Although typically when that happens, they are repeats of events that happened decades earlier; where as in this situation, the past being repeated is actually happened quite close to the present. 

     It was the same look you gave me two years ago- that night when we lay on the IKEA carpet in my bedroom as the rain tapped on my roof outside. You had holes in the sleeve of your sweater where your thumbs were, they poked out sometimes. Your hair was long and shabby; you hadn't cut it in about a year. Literally. We spoke lightly for awhile because an intense conversation was too much for us at that point. We were so nervous. 

     I remember the day you opened up. We were dancing in my kitchen to Uptown Girl, which we(you secretly, of course) both loved. I don't know whether you really loved it or if it was just because it made me so happy, but it didn't matter at that point. Despite how anyone could have walked in during those moments, we danced. We laughed and laughed and laughed, and every single one of them came from our gut. I don't know how it started, but I think that's when we truly fell in love.

     But of course, nothing gold can stay. I remember lying on the couch together in what felt like a unrequited cuddle. The pit of my stomach told me something was wrong. I always trust my gut. And of course, it was right.

     So is it true, here we are again? I have no oppositions.

Novemeber Fourth, 2008

As I sit here eating an apple in my kitchen at 12 am, the earth is shaking around me.

     There are few times in a lifetime one gets to experience something truly life changing. Something or someone that not only effects the things they do everyday, but the way they do them and why. Tonight that someone was a man; a man who I honestly believe will change the world. 

     

Change

One.

More.

Day.