Who is that girl I see, staring straight back at me

     I just want to sing. After a long day of frustrating events proceeding to stress me out, it's the only thing I've got. It's funny though, because it all depends on the kind of stress I'm feeling. If I'm annoyed with my physical appearance, I don't like to sing because no matter what I think I sound like shit, and it throws my technique way off. Although if I'm stressed about school, friends, or family for some reason it helps to relieve it. It makes it difficult because most of the time it's over my face and body.

     I'm very easily broken. My confidence is seriously as thin as ice; it melts with little pressure. When I look in the mirror the first thing I see is my nose. I'm a very obvious combination of my parents, but unfortunately I got the worst of the worst(not to say that my parents are bad looking). My nose has a bump, and a bubble. It's great. It doesn't make me want to gag or anything. As you move down, you will see that my lips look inflated. Although don't forget my eyes: the bulging tennis balls inserted into my face. Lovely. And to top it all off, my chin. I have two of them. 

     I wont even get started on my body.

     Now you know the reason why one of the things on my list is, "stop caring so much about my appearance." There are days when I wake up and don't feel like shit about myself, they happen once or twice every two weeks. I don't know how to make them reoccur more often. Anyone have an idea?  

P.S- Mulan is a GREAT movie.

Enough said.

C'est la vie

My, "Before I Die" list.

1. Sing for thousands of people (At the Metropolitan Opera, preferably) 

2. Play the roles of Violetta, Despina, Pamina, Musetta and Mimi, Margurite

3. Train myself to be ambidextrous

4. Be in Curtains on Broadway

5. Write something brilliant (Essay, story, short paragraph, play, song, anything)

6. Stop caring so much about my appearance

7. Live in New York

8. Live in New York and not become bitter

9. Live without a phone for a week

10. Learn to be independent

11. Paint something put-up-on-the-wall worthy

12. Get my Masters in Opera

13. Become unbranded

14. Learn to cook/bake without poisoning people

15. Learn to play piano (well)

Will add to it in time.....

What makes the world go 'round

My life currently feels light. Everything involved in it is very easy to deal with, nothing is really overwhelming me at the moment; like I said, light. I don't like searching for drama, I used to do that(and learned quite a bit from it). What teenage girl hasn't gone through that stage?

I'm listening to the scratchy, seductive vocals of Al Green. He makes me feel at ease, like I'm in a constant sway. I want to feel like this all the time... unfortunately I don't. I easily get caught up with the accumulated stress fogging my surroundings, whether I'm at school or home(the two most common places you'll find me). The only place my tension is released is in the shower, whilst I sing. I love singing; it's the only thing that has been there steadily throughout my entire life. 

Auld Lang Syne, Time Goes By.

     There are some moments in life when chaos and creation are two of the same thing. The chaos, caused by whatever, creates something; whether it be a new door to open or an old door to close, it's all in order of trying new things.  

     Often we're afraid. In fact, I'm practically always afraid. The hardest part is closing doors, isn't it? You're afraid to take the risk and terrified of being alone. In some cases you have never really been alone before, so you keep yourself surrounded to feel safe. When your company is gone, what do you have left? All you have is yourself.

"Should auld acquaintance be forgot,

And never brought to mind?

Should auld acquaintance be forgot

and auld lang syne?"

Cave Men: The New Sex Symbol

     Sitting in front of a mirror for 25 minutes: you would expect it to be a simple challenge, wouldn't you? For our Drama homework, we had to do some serious self-reflection. In order to do this, we had to sit in a dark room for 35 minutes then directly after look at ourselves in the mirror for 25 minutes. This process was a step in knowing ourselves; because without knowing who our personal characters are, we could not play a different one. 

     Sitting alone in the dark for 35 minutes seemed difficult at the time. The absolute silence  made me very aware of every buzz around me, or maybe I just started to hear things. Although we were given no instruction on what to think about, I was trying to keep my head clear. This was partly due to me knowing that if I was to let my thoughts completely get to me, I would probably have an anxiety attack. Because my head is completely filled with the things necessary for me to get into university, I've been rather stressed lately. Even my Drama teacher Ms. M came up to me and asked if something was wrong today; I guess I'm not too stealth about it.

     The second part, the mirror gazing, was by far the most difficult. I'm extremely critical on myself, therefore it was not easy to look in a mirror for 25 minutes. At first I just wanted to pick my face apart. But once I got past the first ten minutes, I had a minor epiphany. I would call it minor because I've had it before, although this time it made a mark on my mind and stuck with me. I realized that this is what I look like, I can't change it.  Mind-blowing, I know. But hey, for a 17 year old girl to come to that realization, I think that's pretty huge.

     That's when I started to think about what the definition of beauty is. I wondered why some people think some people are beautiful and some not, and if for thinking some are not they would be considered cruel. I questioned how the image of skinny and blonde, muscular and buff became the image of beauty. Maybe it was developed through evolution, when men that could provide for a family by collecting wood and such were fought after. Thus, making it instinctive. And of course, the media plays a large role in it. Although after so many years have passed I cant help but think, isn't it about time we re-define our idea of beauty?

Viva Despina Che Sa Servir

     Music is the only universal thing in the human existence that holds so much power. I know of nothing else that can bring as many people together over crisis' words cannot fix; it is profound in itself. Currently I have, "In uomini, in soldati" from Cosi fan tutte playing on repeat in my head. Although I know what is happening in the aria, sometimes I like to pretend I don't. That way, I can have my own perspective on what could be happening. I like to let the music just let my head go, because over a day so much accumulates up there, and by the end of the day its time to filter some of it out. 

     What could have possibly happened today that's making my head spin? Applying to Universities, thats what. Exhausting.

Chemical Breeze

     I'm a visual learner, always have been. So today as I watched my grade eight drama class do character work, I realized how easy life was then. I'm graduating this year- how in the world did that happen? Although I do have things pretty well figured out for myself. I mean I'm really in the perfect situation, I know exactly what I want to do and I have the full support of my parents to back me up. I just don't want things to change, that's what I'm so afraid of. I'm worried that I'm too passionate about singing, and that I could lose track of that passion, if that makes sense. I just don't want to become too competitive and then be let down whenever things don't go as planned. That's what has made the music scene so fabricated; talented people losing track of their passion and turning into antagonistic, competitive freaks. I don't want to become one of those.

Alright, time to study for French so I can actually have the GPA required for UBC....ughh, stress.