Long time no see Monsieur

I've gotta get this thing up and running again, I miss it. Blogging's fun. Woo blogs.

The most artificial macaroni there ever was.

Fuck opinions, I started doing this for myself and that's the way it should stay.

    I don't really have much to say today (funny how I'm writing a blog), except for if you're going to lie, at least make it legible.

I never liked Kraft Dinner.

The End

     Well apparently my blog is laughable according to a close source, so I will most likely be stopping blogging after this. I could pretend to be all fine about it and ignore it, but I can't. Call me weak, I don't care. Being laughed at is just too degrading. 

I'll leave with this last poem posted, because right now I wish I could say it fits my life to a tee. 

Escape

"When we get out of the glass bottles of our ego,

when we escape like squirrels turning in the cages of our personality

and get into the forest again,

we shall shiver with cold and fright

but things will happen to us so that we don't know ourselves.

Cool, unlying life will rush in,

passion will make our bodies taut with power,

we shall stamp our feet with new power and old things will fall down,

we shall laugh, and institutions will curl up like burnt paper."

-D. H. Lawrence

The Carrie Blog

     People used to describe me as a passionate person; when I felt something, I felt it to the greatest possible extent. I used to hurt more than anyone I knew, or many other people knew, because I let things penetrate too far into me. I don't know why I did it, but I thought it was almost fun. Being such a dramatic person seemed more interesting to me than being a simple one. So that's what I chose to be; up until the point where it became too much. I then found myself stuck in a truly dramatic situation, which was especially a problem for me because I didn't know how to deal with it. Because I had no experience in, "looking on the brighter side of things" I had absolutely no salvation. I drowned in my own remorse because I didn't know how to swim.

     But this blog isn't meant to be about that, it's questioning whether I still have that passion within me. When I feel pain now, it doesn't hit me as hard as it used to. I've matured into a happier person, but does that mean I am now incapable of falling that far into my emotions as I used to? I love music, places, few material items, and certain other qualities of life. But I have found that I no longer care for as many people. That's the passion I'm talking about. When I stopped with all the drama, did I stop caring?

Instead of having an outburst, I wrote a blog.

            I truly believe everyone wants to be Jane Fonda. 

     I'm in the mood to make a list today, so I am going to list off the things I am currently looking forward to:

1. Seeing Jane Fonda in 33 Variations on Broadway in less than a month.

2. Valentines Day (I love commercial holidays)

3. UBC's production of Falstaff in March

4. Everything to do with the play (EVEN the ridiculous amount of lines I have to memorize, it's part of the fun)

5. Going to see Cecilia Bartoli with Christina on the 25th with the VSO

6. Going to New York

7. 40 minutes away from now

8. Going to school tomorrow morning (odd, I know)

9.  Graduating

10. The masked ball event at the Chan Center Friday

11. All the events Winteruption has to offer on Granville Island in two weeks

12. Vancouver Opera's production of Rigoletto

So much excitement. 

I would be embarrassed if my name was Nik Matysek too.

     This blog is dedicated to Nik. Due to his lack-there-of talent, conversational skills, intellect, and overall persona, I felt it was necessary to demolish his confidence through this blog. Basically I just thought I would inform him of how much he sucks. 

     Nik is useless. There was this one time where we had a conversation in a stairwell for five hours; it got us no where. I learned absolutely nothing from his wanna-be philosophical outlooks on life. Throughout the painfully long conversation, I had to retain myself from bursting out in laughter. He once tried to convince me that he was getting 97% in Chemistry 12... I knew he was lying. Just goes to show how stupid he is to think that I would believe that. 

....I can't finish this, I'm lying through my teeth.

Oh man. That was pretty sweet.

     

Sex! I bet that got your attention.

     Due to the recent topic of apes, I started debating whether we are polygamous or monogamous. Naturally, one would said on an impulse that we are monogamous. Well... at least most people. I mean society bides us to only have one partner, it's always been like that. But why? How did it start? I'm not saying I'm against it, or that I want to go jump multiple mens bones; I'm just curious as to how this lifestyle originated. My best guess would be when religion rolled around, with all its strict guide lines against breaking ones faithfulness and shit. If the attraction is there and is inexcusable, why not give in? If there was nothing to hold us back, wouldn't we all jump on the p-train? Or, would we have some self respect and contain ourselves? Although in that situation, we wouldn't consider ourselves to be demolishing our morals because it would be a regular occurrence. But because I'm not a whore, I say, "Yay for monogamy" because there is no denying that it pains me to think of the guy I like with another woman (I hope he feels the same way).

     I can't decide. As a whole we are meant to be faithful to one person and we just use polygamy as an excuse to cheat, or whether we are meant to act on our passion and we just choose to pretend we are above it? Maybe we're all just apes waiting to go wild.

Apes have feelings too.

     I'm so ridiculously happy. It's the kind of happiness that vanquishes any negative element of my life. I love the unfamiliarity of it; it's the first time I think I've ever been pleased to have not felt like this in a long time.

     I really don't have a whole lot to say about him, he's simply fantastic. Whenever he talks in his naturally awkward manner he does this twitchy eyebrow thing... it makes me produce this odd, child-like giggle. But I don't really care, because it's a real odd, child-like giggle. As in it comes from my core. It seems that's where everything he makes me feel comes from. I know, sounds overdramatic- but I don't really care to be honest. I will bask in this moment of cheesiness because it's all I've got so far. 

     Oh and of course, he does other things than the funny eyebrow twitch that intrigue me as well.

     

     

     

Finally.

     I found my old journal.... The first entry really intrigued me.

"April 20th, '08

     I was just thinking about how little I really know about myself. In fact, I'm pretty clueless. Am I kind? Why do I feel like I must make myself smile at strangers? Do I work hard for what I want, and what do I want? I know I like to sing, but I only feel happy doing it when I'm good at it. I know I like fashion, anything creative really; except when I'm lazy. So where does that leave me? I'm only happy when I find something creative and easy to achieve? That sounds terrible to me. I don't want to be that girl. God I'm even worried about working in a coffee shop because it might be hard to keep up with its fast pace! Isn't that a bit pathetic? How did I become this person, someone so emotionally unstable? I must have some good traits... but I can't seem to name them. I find it very hard to develop and grow into the person I want and see myself being whilst in high school. While being locked in this shit box for 6 hours, 5 days a week, the traits I want to portray seem impossible to attain. I know who I want to be. I want to have confidence in myself; I want to know what I am truly passionate about and pursue it; I want to turn heads because I am confident, I don't want to blend in. But the thing is, I want to have something to be confident about. I want to be fit and comfortable with my body; I want so badly to do well in Kiwanis Festival next week; I want to stop being so sensitive. Sometimes I guess you have to just sit, and wait it out. So we will see what happens, hopefully I will be able to answer some of my questions soon."

     Finally now, it seems as though I can answer some of those questions. By spending more time than I have previously on my own in the past year (a.k.a by being single), I've actually gained some knowledge about myself. I realized that I needed to be single in order to learn these things; because the problem with having someone along for the ride is that when you lose them, you lose some of that knowledge you gained with them as well. Took me a long time to figure out such a simple concept. 

     I try not feel proud of myself often; In my opinion, it turns people arrogant. But I've gotta say, right now I'm proud of myself. Despite my lack of confidence in the physical department, I feel that I've overcome many of those things I criticized myself for. I am no longer the lazy ass that sat on her bed and said, "I should probably learn my theory now," and never did. It finally feels like I've got somewhat of a hold on my life; that all that determination I strived for has finally surfaced. I started to really work for what I wanted, and was internally rewarded. This is the first year I've made Honors with Distinction, received three golds in Kiwanis Festival, and was 1 of 6 accepted to a camp in New York. But so much hard work was put in in order for me to just say those words. Again, I don't want to be arrogant- But you know, there is a point where you've got to pat yourself on the back and say, "breathe now, you did well"; but then of course- get back to work. 

It's about time I got my life in order; only took me 17 years.

Oh. Hawt. Dayum.

     Apparently I've been MIA hey? It's been a month since I put up a blog, thats pathetic. I guess all the stresses from school have been taking up most of my time. I'm currently studying three Shakespeare plays, and in my free time I've been watching the operas I got for Christmas (Carmen from Covent Garden, Figaro from La Scala, Eugene Onegin from the Met, and some others which I am too lazy to type). Of course, my free time excludes all the practicing I've been doing for my auditions, working on my theory, of course school work, and scene work for drama (I'm playing Cassius in the Cassius/Brutus scene in Julius Caesar, Act 4 Scene 3).  Anyhoo, on to the good stuff, otherwise known as my new obsession: Ildebrando D'Arcangelo. Smoking man babe is what he is.

                                    

Oh baby baby. That's one fine piece of bass/baritone ass if you ask me.