"April 20th, '08
I was just thinking about how little I really know about myself. In fact, I'm pretty clueless. Am I kind? Why do I feel like I must make myself smile at strangers? Do I work hard for what I want, and what do I want? I know I like to sing, but I only feel happy doing it when I'm good at it. I know I like fashion, anything creative really; except when I'm lazy. So where does that leave me? I'm only happy when I find something creative and easy to achieve? That sounds terrible to me. I don't want to be that girl. God I'm even worried about working in a coffee shop because it might be hard to keep up with its fast pace! Isn't that a bit pathetic? How did I become this person, someone so emotionally unstable? I must have some good traits... but I can't seem to name them. I find it very hard to develop and grow into the person I want and see myself being whilst in high school. While being locked in this shit box for 6 hours, 5 days a week, the traits I want to portray seem impossible to attain. I know who I want to be. I want to have confidence in myself; I want to know what I am truly passionate about and pursue it; I want to turn heads because I am confident, I don't want to blend in. But the thing is, I want to have something to be confident about. I want to be fit and comfortable with my body; I want so badly to do well in Kiwanis Festival next week; I want to stop being so sensitive. Sometimes I guess you have to just sit, and wait it out. So we will see what happens, hopefully I will be able to answer some of my questions soon."
Finally now, it seems as though I can answer some of those questions. By spending more time than I have previously on my own in the past year (a.k.a by being single), I've actually gained some knowledge about myself. I realized that I needed to be single in order to learn these things; because the problem with having someone along for the ride is that when you lose them, you lose some of that knowledge you gained with them as well. Took me a long time to figure out such a simple concept.
I try not feel proud of myself often; In my opinion, it turns people arrogant. But I've gotta say, right now I'm proud of myself. Despite my lack of confidence in the physical department, I feel that I've overcome many of those things I criticized myself for. I am no longer the lazy ass that sat on her bed and said, "I should probably learn my theory now," and never did. It finally feels like I've got somewhat of a hold on my life; that all that determination I strived for has finally surfaced. I started to really work for what I wanted, and was internally rewarded. This is the first year I've made Honors with Distinction, received three golds in Kiwanis Festival, and was 1 of 6 accepted to a camp in New York. But so much hard work was put in in order for me to just say those words. Again, I don't want to be arrogant- But you know, there is a point where you've got to pat yourself on the back and say, "breathe now, you did well"; but then of course- get back to work.
It's about time I got my life in order; only took me 17 years.
